Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Vampires: Blood Thirsty Menace to Sparkling Metrosexuals.

From Menacing blood thirsty creatures to sparkling, peace loving neighbors, the lost glories of Vampires can be attributed to one person and one person only: Stephenie Meyer.
Blood red cape, deadly fangs and blood shot eyes, this are the first images of vampires that comes to mind when we think of Count Dracula, inspired from Bram Stoker’s novels. They were menacing mythical creatures, vampires mercilessly preyed on humans. They were averse to daylight and allergic to garlic. Though immortal, they could be killed with wooden crosses and silver bullets. At least these were the ground rules, until they were mercilessly broken.

Cut to 580 years later, our average vampire is goofy eyed white washed creatures, preying on puppies. So, what happened to the former gory glories of the fanged creatures?? Stephenie Meyer and Twilight happened!!! “Why do people hate Twilight?” , asked one Twi-hard to me! Where shall I start??? Apart from the fact, it is one of the lamest story lines you will ever come across, Miss. Meyer messed up the vampire bit to humongous proportions and brought them down to Justin Beiber levels. Now when you hear the word ‘Vampire’, the image that flashes across is a sparkling Edward with a irritating Bella at his feet.

In a last ditch attempt to make SOMEthing about her book seem original (The love triangle with a whiny protagonist part, has been done to death; Just ask Ekta Kapoor, Karan Johar, Yash Chopra etc), Miss Meyer took every part of being a vampire and shot them too pieces. Now, instead burning in the sun, the vampire sparkles (arghhhhhhh……), wooden stakes and silver doesn’t affect them (you need to keep the hero alive to keep on writing more shitty stuff) and instead of humans, the vampires prey on animals (this is the bollywood affect, you need to protect the integrity of the lead). On that note, I am still waiting for PETA to send a notice to Meyer for animal cruelty. It might stop her from writing more!

May be, I am being too harsh on Meyer, it’s not entirely her fault. Thanks to Summit Entertainment, the Twilight didn’t die a natural death and was adapted for the big screen, so we had no way of avoiding them. It created a whole bunch of fans whose biggest dilemma in their life was choosing between ‘Team Edward’ and ‘Team Jacob’. For us, Robert Pattinson died a valiant death as Cedric Diggory in Harry Potter. I am not the only one complaining about the Saga, Stephen King remarked, “Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend. Stephenie can’t write worth a darn, she’s not very good”.  

The only silver lining in an abnormally large cloud is that the series is coming to an end this November, with the last shitty movie made on it getting released and we can all go happily back, pretending, it never existed. We can forgive Meyer on one condition; She has to promise us that she is not writing a book on wizards. A wizard with a sparkling wand is not something, we are ready to comprehend.

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