If you are reading this that you might one of the 6 million people who doesn't have a twitter or Facebook account or you also could be one of the 100 million people who have a twitter and Facebook account(plus an updated MySpace page) and you may also belong to a group of people called "Virgins", although I find that racially abusive.
If by chance you don't know what twitter is, you've probably been living under a rock for a long time or watching re-runs of 'Drona's DVD.
But for the purposes of this discussion, I'm going to assume you know what Twitter is, have an account on said service and think using words like Anthropomorphology in a sentence is about the coolest thing since Oscar Wilde.
I've been on twitter for sometime now and I see it as an extension of my traumatic period that doesn't include telling a room full people PJs with the door locked(although, I must admit, some of them are PJs in their own right).
And by way of having been there, I've realized a few things. You may agree with some of these. You may want to blow me for the others. You may hate the spacepod that brought me safely to this planet for the remaining. Please remember that I hold veto rights to whichever option you may choose.
Now, the people on Twitter. I find it safe to summarily categorize them into the following on the basis of their most predominant characteristic.
1. The Pricey Morons
You know these people by their inflated followers count and heavily photoshopped DPs( If you don't know what a DP is, STOP READING). While most people wonder why someone who's discussing his morning transit and the colour of his poo, has a bajillion amount of followers, you'll take it a step further.
You will @ to everything they say. But they won't reply. You will retweet the bejeezus out of them. But they won't follow. You'll offer to show up to clean their garage. They'll tell you the city takes good care of the bridge under which they live.
2. The Emo Creatures
I feel it is my utmost duty to remind these people of the following:
1. She/He didn't care.
2. You're so confused about who you are because you're gay.
3. I know there's a hole in your soul somewhere, but there are other orifices that need your attention too.
4. Most people have access to the Self help material you're plagiarizing off. And the remainder have access to HD porn.
3. The Wise Asses
The people who dare ask you the eternal question… "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be consistently funny, harbor self-critical tendencies AND low self esteem all at once?" And in case your answer is "No", you're quite naturally expected to go back to tweeting about the song you're listening to. Because people really do give a fuck. No really. Have one. Yes, here's a good fuck.
You will be reviled if you fail to consider Favstar an alternate God/deity. You will be pricked with chopsticks if you're in the news for whatever reason. And may God have mercy on you should you ever become a trending topic.
4. The Bulbs
You know these virile gentlemen as the guys who ask for your pics. You company for coffee. And wonder out aloud how "Your so beautyful" (sic). ALSO THE HUMAN PSYCHE CONDITION HAS FORETOLD THE COMING OF THE… (crap) Writer's blok has happened.
5. The Mutual Admiration Society
You mostly see these exalted members of #TeamFucktard and #TeamJackass on tweets detailing 34 people on a Friday. Fun Fun Fun Fun it is. And unless you're a. b. or d. above, you have to wonder how you're going to send across your firstborn so you can get into one of them tweets. No. I don't get your 18 consecutive Tamil/Bong/Punjabi/Mumbaiya/Australian/Uninhabited-Pacific-Atoll references or your frolicking with your friends on a mountaintop with koala bears and unicorn poop.
So that's it. And this had better get me some followers. You think I'm doing this for the science? Really?
There really are more people out there, I guess, but I sleep well not having met them yet.