Twiretard........

If you are reading this that you might one of the 6 million people who doesn't have a twitter or Facebook account or you also could be one of the 100 million people who have a twitter and Facebook account(plus an updated MySpace page) and you may also belong to a group of people called "Virgins", although I find that racially abusive.

If by chance you don't know what twitter is, you've probably been living under a rock for a long time or watching re-runs of 'Drona's DVD.
But for the purposes of this discussion, I'm going to assume you know what Twitter is, have an account on said service and think using words like Anthropomorphology in a sentence is about the coolest thing since Oscar Wilde.

I've been on twitter for sometime now and I see it as an extension of my traumatic period that doesn't include telling a room full people PJs with the door locked(although, I must admit, some of them are PJs in their own right).

And by way of having been there, I've realized a few things. You may agree with some of these. You may want to blow me for the others. You may hate the spacepod that brought me safely to this planet for the remaining. Please remember that I hold veto rights to whichever option you may choose.

Now, the people on Twitter. I find it safe to summarily categorize them into the following on the basis of their most predominant characteristic.

1. The Pricey Morons

You know these people by their inflated followers count and heavily photoshopped DPs( If you don't know what a DP is, STOP READING). While most people wonder why someone who's discussing his morning transit and the colour of his poo, has a bajillion amount of followers, you'll take it a step further.
You will @ to everything they say. But they won't reply. You will retweet the bejeezus out of them. But they won't follow. You'll offer to show up to clean their garage. They'll tell you the city takes good care of the bridge under which they live.

2. The Emo Creatures

I feel it is my utmost duty to remind these people of the following:
1. She/He didn't care.
2. You're so confused about who you are because you're gay.
3. I know there's a hole in your soul somewhere, but there are other orifices that need your attention too.
4. Most people have access to the Self help material you're plagiarizing off. And the remainder have access to HD porn.

3. The Wise Asses

The people who dare ask you the eternal question… "Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be consistently funny, harbor self-critical tendencies AND low self esteem all at once?" And in case your answer is "No", you're quite naturally expected to go back to tweeting about the song you're listening to. Because people really do give a fuck. No really. Have one. Yes, here's a good fuck.
You will be reviled if you fail to consider Favstar an alternate God/deity. You will be pricked with chopsticks if you're in the news for whatever reason. And may God have mercy on you should you ever become a trending topic.

4. The Bulbs

You know these virile gentlemen as the guys who ask for your pics. You company for coffee. And wonder out aloud how "Your so beautyful" (sic). ALSO THE HUMAN PSYCHE CONDITION HAS FORETOLD THE COMING OF THE… (crap) Writer's blok has happened.

5. The Mutual Admiration Society

You mostly see these exalted members of #TeamFucktard and #TeamJackass on tweets detailing 34 people on a Friday. Fun Fun Fun Fun it is. And unless you're a. b. or d. above, you have to wonder how you're going to send across your firstborn so you can get into one of them tweets. No. I don't get your 18 consecutive Tamil/Bong/Punjabi/Mumbaiya/Australian/Uninhabited-Pacific-Atoll references or your frolicking with your friends on a mountaintop with koala bears and unicorn poop.

So that's it. And this had better get me some followers. You think I'm doing this for the science? Really?
There really are more people out there, I guess, but I sleep well not having met them yet.

Cut the Crap.......

A friend of mine broke up with her boyfriend she'd been with 8 years. I don't mind telling that's a significant multiple of time I have spent with anyone (while suppressing genocidal tendencies). And, not that the guy was any good. The first time I met him, he mad fun of her. And then he cheated on her. And he was going bald. And he used filthy language......phew.......
Still, when I talked to her last, she was in tears. She’d been that way for the last month.
Of course, its not surprising............ 8 years.....I never had 8 good days in all my 8 relationships.......... (At this point, kindly insert your condescension about my maturity in relationships into an orifice of your choice).

When I started this, it was going to be about exes. Those people you can invoke in every single prayer; be it to the God you like best (available at leading pantheons everywhere); or the forces of death and destruction that populate the blog of a 13 year old these days.

However in my research (FB quizzes), I'd thought I will have a little more meaning If I made it about a person that everybody hates and still wants to be with. Of course you want to read more about Heidi Klum, I’d like to make this about the person who moves on. Or perhaps, moving on. The sense and maybe the blasphemy of it.

Moving on, just from the relationships, but all those other things to. Those things that made you cry and wish that you hadn’t thrown out that last gift from your ex. All those small little things and all those big little things that I add up.

So, between you and me, I know that it must hurt.
I know it must feel like you’ve walked barefoot on gravel for miles on end; leaving behind footprints deep and bloody enough that one knows you must’ve been walking on your toes the entire distance.
I know that sometimes all that remains feasible is to just tell yourself to stop feeling anything at all.
Finally, I know that what hurts more is the question of what “could’ve been”. The question of finding destinations down paths not taken, of paths that now lay broken. (I’ve read your blog. You know what I mean.)

But I also know that underneath all the stifled laughter and the self applied “Cynic” tags, there’s still the idealist of 8, maybe 10 years ago. Someone who just didn’t know any better, and ironically enough, was better off for it.
Someone who was made happy by looking at kids who smiled, who danced when he didn’t know how to, who looked forward to finishing the box of chocolates so that he could buy another one.
In fact, if this someone was anything like me, I’m fairly certain all he wanted was to walk into a garden of Cherry Blossoms and watch shadows get longer.

As it stands, your pain is your own. It always has been. But it doesn’t have to be. Not for much longer.
Reach out if you can. There are always people willing to listen. Sometimes, there’re even people willing to help. If statistics are anything to go by, someone has effed’ up just like you in the past. And that nobody should let Sreesanth bowl.
Make bad jokes. It keeps you on the right side of sane. Plus, it gives the people around you the benefit of the Temporary Insanity plea at their murder trial.
Give someone a hug. I'm sure you know lots of intensely huggable people. The fact that some of them carry pepper spray really shouldn’t stop you.
Most importantly, remind yourself of the people you want to be happy for. And of those who’d rather share cheesecake than see you happy. (I find the latter helped a lot more. But I’ve led something of a sheltered existence)

Whatever you do, just keep in mind that you stand as a warrior. And as this warrior you fight demons. Demons that will not relent. Demons that will bleed a river before they yield an inch.

The warrior thinks of the times of peace. He wishes he didn’t have to fight. He is tempted by the prospect of going back to glowing mornings when the dew has not yet left. Of closing his eyes in the middle of battle to think of Cherry Blossoms shedding in a shower of pink and white. In an autumn of browns and yellows, punctuated by greens.

Yet he knows he must kill, but knows not the weight of the sword he must lift. And as it happens, the sword is heavy. It’s easier to drop than to lift. And the fight is easier to run away from than to actually stay and fight.

It seems that even when the solution is by far, the easiest thing about the whole problem, it’s the sticking to it that remains the most difficult. But then again, it also is the most important thing in the world. The warrior did plant the Cherry blossoms himself.

So lift up the sword and try it on for size. They tell me it was made for you. And they’re usually right, even when they aren’t.

The past is right there in your head. Come back to it when you feel like it (or knock yourself hard enough on your head that you don’t have to). When you do, I recommend you stand at a window and give long meaningful glances to the world outside with a glass of Sprite in your hand. But in the meantime, look at the present.
It wants you to look at it too. And give it a compliment or two. It’s a little insecure like that. But take my word for it, it makes for a great date.

Love And Fraandship In The Time Of Facebook

Relationships are tricky in real life. Real Life is already complicated and it is getting increasing difficult to understand in guys and girls really mean when they say something. For example girl says 'yes; when she means 'no' and guy says 'yes/no/maybe' but means 'can I get laid?' Thankfully, there are enough experts, from Dr D.K.Lodh to Ashmit Patel, to help us understand what it all means.

But what happens when relationships, love and friendship go on Facebook? In reality, these days I don't give a shit but there was a time when rejecting a girl's friends request was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.......hard. But fear not there are still some retards who think they can get laid through facebook. Lets see a case study:

When a random person from the opposite sex on Facebook adds you:
What it means for single girl: Ooh, one more friend on Facebook.. yay, now I have 678 friends! I beat *random evil girl*
What it means for single guy: WOO HOO!!!!! This chick likes me, this chick likes me!! *Does vulgar Anil Kapoor Oscar speech dance*
What it means for committed girl: Ooh, one more friend on Facebook.. yay, now I have 678 friends! I beat *random evil girl*
What it means for committed guy: WOO HOO!!!! Girls STILL want me! Oooh I'm so hot and happenin' baby! *Dances like Justin Bieber in ‘Baby baby baby'*
When a person from opposite sex changes Relationship Status to ‘Single':
What it means for single girl: Awww
What it means for single guy: *Immediately comments* (In sympathetic tone) Heyyyy… I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened with your boyfriend? I hope you are alright. My number is 912345678, you should call me if you are sad and need someone to talk to. Please take care, please. I can't see you hurt. (*Thinking: REBOUND SEX, REBOUND SEX, REBOUND SEX FTW!!*)
What it means for committed girl: Awww
What it means for committed guy: ANOTHER girl's single now!! What the hell!! When I was single EVERYONE was with someone else! This is SO unfair!! Why does it always happen to me!! I hate life. I HATE life. I H-A-T-E life. F**k this s**t. !@#$
When a new, sexy profile pic of the opposite sex pops up on the ‘wall':
What it means for single girl: Ooh, I should change my profile pic too! It's been so long since the last time I updated… today morning. Hmm, which one should I put? The one where my hair is on my face and people can only see that bit of me that looks pretty? Or the one where I look super sexy but it's nothing like how I am in real life? Or wait, I think I should just put photos of my feet. They are so pwetty! *Changes pic*
What it means for single guy: Woah, sexy pic, yaar! Yaar, this girl is so hot. I wish she was going out with me. I wish I was not single. I wish I had sex with someone besides my hand. Should I comment on it? What if she thinks I am desperate? I AM desperate but what if that becomes obvious? Maybe I should not comment on the pic, she's already fraandship with my Facebook, I don't want to spoil that relationship. (Thinks a lot more) *Likes pic, to play it safe*
What it means for commited girl: Ooh, I should change my profile pic too! It's been so long since the last time I updated… today morning. Hmm, which one should I put? The one where my hair is on my face and people can only see that bit of me that looks pretty? Or the one where I look super sexy but it's nothing like how I am in real life? Or wait, I think I should just put photos of my feet. They are so pwetty! *Changes pic*
What it means for committed guy: Niiiiice! I bet I'd have got her if I'd have been single. Dammit, I'm not single :(. No one night stands for me :(. I hate life :(. I wish I was in America, people there are so open-minded, they don't mind multiple partners also. India SUCKS. Life SUCKS. Commitment SUCKS. *Starts crying*
When a person from opposite sex compliments you on your new profile pic
What it means for single girl: *Giggles to herself* Yay, another comment! Total of 26 comments now, I'm popular! *Polishes her tiara*
What it means for single guy: Score! I'm going to get LAID!!! Finally!!!!
What it means for commited girl: *Giggles to herself* Yay, another comment! Total of 26 comments now, I'm popular! *Polishes her tiara*
What it means for committed guy: She's TOTALLY into me! Aaja meri gaadi mein baith ja, baby. Man, I wish I didn't have a girlfriend! (Pause) Oh fuck, my girlfriend's going to read this! What do I do now!! I'm screwed!! I mean.. I won't be now :(
And finally, if you are having trouble making sense of all this brilliant advice we have doled out, here's what you do next:
If you are a single girl: Share this article with your friends (and STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF YOUR FEET on your profile)
If you are a single guy: Share this article with your friends (and stop stalking girls online – ultimately, arranged marriage is there na, you'll still get sex!)
If you are a committed girl: Share this article with your friends (and forgive your boyfriend… it's not his fault, he was born like that… a GUY)
If you are a committed guy: Share this article with your friends (and make sure your girlfriend doesn't read it)

No We Can't be Friends, Please Die......

Break Ke Baad may not be the best film to have come out this year (that’s because HISSS came out this year), but Deepika Padukone elevates it to a must-watch for two reasons. One, she is a GODDESS and we love her and worship her dimples and wish our girlfriends looked just like her!!!!!!!!! And two, her character in the film is EXACTLY how girls, who all boys hate, are. Fondly known as, ‘b**ch’.

The story of Break Ke Baad, if you unfortunately suffer from the IQ of Rahul Mahajan and have still not figured out, is the story of a couple that breaks up and tries to deal with what happens after that. And what happens after that is the story of EVERY couple. The guy still stays in love, while the girl turns into a b**ch.

No, no. We are not being sexist here (we are only sexist in articles about Justin Bieber… mostly because we are confused about the sex). It’s a general rule – even when there is an equal girl to boy ratio, the likelihood of a girl getting a boyfriend is >>>>>>>>> that of a boy getting a girlfriend (unless that girl is Justin Bieber… see what we meant?). That gives girls an unfair higher power over boys (that they then wield during the time they are making the creatives for their Women’s Equality slogans). This power also comes into play once the break up happens.

Sleeping (or not) with the devil

And that’s pretty much what Break Ke Baad showcases – how girls turn from sweet, adorable, seemingly-naïve and cute Barbie dolls into heartless, b**chy, Dolly Bindra-versions of the devil that enjoy ripping your heart out and then play table tennis with it. The devil that “just wants to be friends” and who feels that “ANY GIRL would be lucky” to have us (which is a polite way of saying they want our souls).

We’d imagine the same has happened with EVERY one of us guys. Girls breaking up with us and then doing the puppy eyes-thing and begging us to “please be friends” because they cannot live without us. But of course, they can’t live WITH us, can they? And obviously, guys, the gullible creatures we are, can’t say no, and so, we agree, even though we’d rather get hit in the nuts.

And that’s where Break Ke Baad falters too. It’s like every other real life situation where the guy gives in to the all-powerful ex-girlfriend who wants to suck our blood… “but only in a friendly manner”. For once, we expected the guy (we are talking about Imran Khan… yes, underneath that face, there IS a guy… apparently) to give it back to the b**ch! “No, we can’t be friends, you evil, heart-ripping female re-incarnation of Hitler, you modern-day Bindu, you Kumolika! Please die.”

Reality bites

But of course, no guy’s been brave enough to say that and survive. No one’s usually even been brave enough to THINK that. While upar-upar se guys are saying, ‘Yes, of course we’ll be friends forever, of COURSE *puts cool shades on*’, in our heads we are thinking, “PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEE TAKE ME BACK!!!!!!!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!!!!!!! BAA-WAA-HAA *crying* BAA WAA HAA. WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS!! I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU! WASH YOUR FEET, MANICURE YOUR NAILS AND EAT YOUR LEFTOVERS!! TAKE ME BAAAAAACK!”

But thankfully, we hold that back (well, at least, some of us do). And act all cool outside, while dying little by little inside. Until everything is dead (well, ALMOST everything – the cool shades live on, you know!). That’s pretty much what happens in Break Ke Baad too. And for that, we hope the movie works, so people get to know the face-2 of those two-faced girls. And the plight of those poor guys… of US poor guys.

Mercy

Disclaimer #1: The following few lines are in no way sarcastic, insulting or funny….In Guzaarish Hrithik Roshan aks for mercy killing as he has been paralysed for quite a while. Kudos to Hrithik for accepting such a challenging role and huge respect to people who suffers from this condition but still has the courage to move on with life.

Disclaimer #2: The rest of the article is sarcastic, funny and insulting in every way possible….
Does Hrithik REALLY LOOK like somebody who wants to die? I mean, even as a paraplegic he looks better than 10 Zayed Khans……not a comparison…..Okay, 10 Emraan Hashmis put together. Even though he didn’t work out for 12 effing years, he still had muscles bigger then KRK’s head (KRK’s head is huge coz of all the gas in it). Plus, all throughout the the movie, he had Ash’s cleavage for company. Not a bad company to have during times of distress.

But lets get real guys. The man who needed to be cast in this role should be somebody who REALLY LOOK like, he wants to die. I’ll make it easy, for future references on movies on death(for any reason). Here are some ‘actors’ who would fit in for such roles.

1. Mimoh
Mimoh probably would have applied for mercy killing the day he realized that his parents were not making some sort of noise but ‘MIMOH’ was actually his name. His application gained more ground when he realized that the yellow thing on his head was not some electrical wiring but was ACTUALLY his HAIR. The final nail in the coffin (see…how I smartly inserted another death related joke? See? See?) was when he realized all through out his debut film, ‘Jimmy’, the audience was laughing not because of his comic timing but coz of his face? On screen, we mean……or do we?

2. Fardeen Khan
Fardeen Khan’s biggest reason for not wanting to live is the fact, that instead of his wife, its he who got accidentally pregnant. And in some way the pregnancy did something to his face. On top of that he couldn’t even act, before the weight of the world dropped on his….well face. It is quite obvious that he will be super happy to do the role but we won’t be able to see the satisfaction that he will get coz of the….you know…..face situation.

3. Tusshar Kapoor
Tusshar Kapoor holds the unique distinction of being the winner of Biggest Loser Jeetega, even though he didn’t participate in it. His claim-to-fame is acting in roles where he was invisible (Tusshar Kapoor in and as GAYAB! Hahhaha!), was required to keep his mouth shut (He was such a big hit with his mouth shut in Golmaal that they made sure he didn’t speak in two more movies), or was required to complete the background furniture (in all other movies). The audience would love to see him in a role where apart from his mouth, even the rest of him can’t move about to cause further embarrassment to human civilization.

4. Ashmit Patel
Ever since everyone saw (we know what you did that summer!), in the iconic words of Dolly Bindra, Ashmit Patel’s ‘performance’ in his XXX-MMS, Ashmit Patel’s life “went for a toss”. “One after the other, life shot him with a dart, and like a broken arrow, he fell apart.”

No, that’s not OUR lame joke on you. That’s Patel’s lame joke on the world. If you STILL don’t know what we are talking about, search for Patel’s musical rap(e) attempt, ‘Apni kahani apni zubaani’ on the internet. After seeing the video, you’ll understand why Patel would want to kill himself, and honestly, we’d not hold it against you, if you’d want to kill yourself too.

5. Archana Puran Singh
Oh wait… we totally forgot that the paralysis ends at the neck… you can’t paralyse that laughter. And oh wait… We were supposed to be talking about men here. (Deliberate pause to imply what needs to be implied) …Oh wait.

What Women Want.NOT

I am shocked by the number of times I’ve heard women listing ‘sense of humor’ as the topmost quality they want in the man of their dreams, over qualities that seems obvious-beautiful face, not Chetan Bhagat, and etc etc. I am ‘shocked’ because from first hand experience, I can assure you, they are lying.

I realized very early, that ‘love at first sight’ can only happen if you look like Hrithik Roshan (this doesn’t apply to HARMAN BAWEJA), or if you are standing really, really far way from the girl and if, well, the girl likes to fall in love with people who are really far away. Unfortunately I don’t look like Hrithik Roshan and I am very recognizable from really really far away, so I realized ‘Love at first sight’ is not the thing for me. So I decided to entice women with my superhuman stock of ‘Knock Knock’ jokes.

But that was in vain too. I spent an entire childhood trying to make girls laugh at my jokes but failed miserably… because, let’s face it, the joke kind-of dies at ‘Knock Knock?’ ‘Get lost, loser!’. But I didn’t give up. I had to try and get girls to relate ‘funny’ with my personality, and not just my looks. So I’d prepare jokes at home, memorize them in my superhero brain, and then, during an ongoing conversation with a hot girl, try and intelligently, shrewdly and carefully take the conversation in the direction of the topic I had a joke prepared on. Something like this:

Me: Hey, hot girl.

Hot girl: *Puke*

Me: Oh, speaking of which, did you hear this joke about racism, religion, chauvinism, ugly people and anything else that would be sure to offend you in general?

Hot girl: *Complains to teacher*

What Women Want. NOT.
It took me more failures than Uday Chopra to understand that being called funny by a girl, is NO.4 on the list of things girls calls guys, whom they don’t want to be their boyfriend, after ‘bhaiyya’, ‘NICE PERSON’ and a ‘MANAGEMENT GRAD’ (All of which I soon ended up becoming TOGETHER, by the way).
Here’s a fact: I was reading a magazine’s ‘Most Desirable Men’ list (I had bought the magazine because of the bikini girl on its cover and NOT because of this list, I swear)… and guess what I found on it? Names of allll 5-6 and above-pack guys. Guess who I DIDN’T find on it? Johnny Lever. Rajpal Yadav. Archana Puran Singh. ME.

Seriously, even if you take the most not good looking guys who have something else going for them (good body, good relatives, good profession) and compare them with the funniest guys with similar perks, the results are obvious:

Abhishek Bachchan – Not funny. Is married to AISHWARYA RAI.

Vs

Govinda – Very funny. Not married to Aishwarya Rai.

Harman Baweja – Not funny. Dated PRIYANKA CHOPRA.

Vs

Navjot Singh Siddhu – Very funny. Came close to dating Shekhar Suman.

Emraan Hashmi – Not funny. Kissed MANY HOT GIRLS.

Vs

Ritesh Deshmukh – Very funny. Was offered Dostana.

And that’s the truth of the matter, people. Let’s not lie to the world and admit it once and for all – Funny guys in males are the equivalent of BHARTIYA NARIS in females. Everyone wants to marry them, but no one wants to have sex with them.

Sigh.