'I am fine'

Somebody asked me how am I feeling today. As is the norm with our species, I didn't offer him the whole truth. "Fine" was the answer he expected and "Fine" was what he got. If it were a different world where people said what they really felt like—or more importantly, what needs to be shared—I would have elaborated on why I'm not "Fine". I might have informed him how I usually feel like an overcrowded fast train that's moving slowly. And not going anywhere in particular. Also, I wake up every morning as if I had undergone rigorous imprisonment during my sleep. My mirror had seen better faces. Of mine. Sometimes I feel like that invisible hand pushing me over the cliff. But I don't fall down because I have better days ahead... to address worse things. At times, I turn cold and blank and don't understand what's going on around me. I try to stay grounded and not get caught talking to myself. The voices in my head are amusing but they never let me interrupt them. Whatever be the reason, they just don't understand me. Sometimes I feel emptier than the “fine”. I've spent better days in poetry when my verses made me the richest jerk on the planet. This was before I became a recluse. Every once in a while, my past relieves me and allows me moments to cherish. Instead of holding them close to myself, I squander them on creating one-liners I don't believe in. More often than not, I don't agree with a lot of theories floating around but I'm loath to confrontations. That explains why I don't defend myself, online or offline. However, there are instances when I can go on and on about what I could have said instead of just "Fine".

Bus-Stop

Your destination is approaching and you're peeking out of the window. You know you've got to get down. But you somehow don't. You stay immobile as if you're protesting against yourself. You don't have the will to move your ass and leave the bus for good. Maybe you're too elated to have finally 'earned' a window seat and you don't want to relinquish it. Moreover, you don't even care that if you fail to act within the allotted 30 seconds, you'll have to get down at the next stop. And commute back home. However, the countdown begins. Kolkata’s bus service, like time and tide, stops for none. You keep looking out of the window, staring into the nothingness that makes you travel between this point and that. You don't even know anymore what is nice and what's not nice. You don't expect anything interesting to happen to your existence. Your friends from school are yet to stare out of the window. Or maybe they are better off in some other place where humanity is not humiliated in overcrowded public transports. You are one of the zombies now and you've accepted your future. You're probably never going to walk and explore or stand and stare. You've learnt that your life is going to rattle on the public roads within the periphery of this godsmitten city. You'll never escape the loud throes that engulfs everybody on this island of chaos nor will you ever travel alone again. You'll always be in the company of strangers who smell worse than you. They'll be called your co-passengers and they shall fight for those imaginary seventh seats that lie in front of them. With such fellow-morons around, perspiration will become your act of silent defiance. You must surrender yourself to make it or else you'll be left behind. On the bus-stop. Outside the bus. The city is not to be blamed nor are its inhabitants. If you really wanted to break free, you would have. By now.

A letter to innocence(not quite)

Dear me@16,

This letter will reach you just before you hit the worst time of your life. But it’s alright, as you won’t be this young ever and you will grow up quicker than you will realize. And one day, 7 years down the line, you will find yourself writing a blog about how you could have done things differently. At that moment, you will be short of words while being busy of finding better excuses.

I understand you are not sure about what you want to do with life. Chill……You are not the only human blessed with the superpower of indecisiveness. All around you are confused, they just pretend that they know the roadmap you must take. At this point, you might be confused about what to take, science or arts. Take arts. You are way too awesome for science and math, and way too good to have a *secured* future. Accept it; you are ‘head over heels’ in love with History and Literature, and you are a closet philosopher.

Pay attention to what I am saying as I reckon you don’t listen to anyone. I know you better than anybody ever will, moron. At this point, you might be basking in the glory of being termed ‘cute’ by girls. Here is a reality check; you will be quite a disaster, when it come to relationships. Disaster is a small word, you will be catastrophic. I am going to assure you, it won’t be for the lack of trying. You will be having a string of “relationships” (I won’t give you the number, you will become giddy) but none of them will work out. Here is a small advice from your wiser self, show a lit bit more patience with a few girls; it will pay-off eventually (hopefully). You are Gemini; you will always have a way with words but show a little bit more patience.

Spend more time with your father; he won’t be around for too long now. Appreciate the man that he is and share everything with him. Somewhere down the line, you’ll realize that he is your best friend and will always remain like that. You will still shed tears for him, even seven years down the line.

Look after yourself. You are already quite heavy (that won’t stop you from having the girls), workout, run, swim, do anything that will tone you done. A back problem is coming up, so be prepared.  Get in touch with your old friends, coz you will turn out to be someone who will keep losing friends. Learn to make friends, you will need it. Send a common “thank you” letter to all your teachers and tell them what they meant to you (yes, even to the ones you hate or vice-verse). You are not as bad a poet. You could have been worse but don’t give up the art of penning down lines (or typing down words). Keep scribbling. Learn how to play the guitar (I know it’s an old ambition) and please, take singing classes, you do have a good voice. Don’t remain a glorified bathroom singer. Enjoy the Durga Puja as much as you want right now because a time will come when Durga Puja will stop being exciting for you. You must be wondering, ‘this is not the swinging 20’s that I am imagining about’. Nope, it isn’t. You can imagine how you will turn out when you will cancel weekend dates for a particular Football club you support. I won’t spoil the fun for you anymore.

Enough of lame advices! Moreover, there’s no point in talking sense into you anyway.

No matter how much I try, nothing will change. You will commit the same mistakes I did. You’ll learn the same lessons that I learned and finally turn out to be Me@23. It’ll be a fun ride, though at some points you will feel otherwise. Trust me; it won't be that bad. And the one fine morning (1.30 AM), you’ll write what you are reading right now and commend yourself for having an active memory. Like they say, it’s all written……in destiny or on my blog.

Your very own,

Me@23